Emotional Days

I'm not sure why, but I've been really emotional all week. Being a parent and feeling like you're good at it isn't easy. I struggle so much knowing my husband would work to allow me to stay at home with Portlin but my job is wonderful and my benefits are even better. The first three months of Portlin's life have flown by. Obviously in the first two months he got the attention he deserved from mommy but babies mostly sleep so it was easy. Since I've been back to work, we've not had much time to focus on the real meat and potatoes of learning with Portlin. He hasn't had much tummy time or play time and you can see it in his abilities. We've been so focused on getting his acid reflux under control that we've missed the boat on playing with toys, learning to hold his head up, and reaching for things. I've turned into a worry wart this week because Benjie noticed Portlin's head is flat from where he lays all the time. I'm thinking it's time for another doctor's appointment. Dr. Campbell told us, at all his other appointments, that he is doing well but I still worry. I guess it's better safe than sorry.
Portlin has always had strong neck muscles but we are noticing he isn't using his arms like we think he should. He will grasp a toy but doesn't seem interested in reaching for it or playing with it. He brings his hands to his mouth but doesn't seem interested in doing much else with them. Benjie has noticed that he can bring both of his hands to his mouth when his right hand leads but if you hold back his right arm his left arm seems confused. During tummy time he bears more weight on the right arm than the left one. I really hope we are just being paranoid.
While watching videos yesterday of other three month olds, I stumbled across some other very sad ones. People post memorial videos of their babies who have passed away from SIDS or due to still births. It's terrifying to watch. One video led to a mother's blog about losing her eight week old to SIDS. I cried watching Portlin sleep last night because I began to think about what I would do if something terrible like that happened to my precious boy. Benjie reminded me that if you can't prevent SIDS and it's God's will to bring him home, there is nothing I can do, so stop worrying! Easier said than done. I don't know how many times I have to tell myself the internet can be such a wonderful/terrible thing!
For now I'm going to continue to work with Portlin and I'll be calling to make him an appointment with the doctor soon. If I don't like what I hear, we may consider another opinion. Looking at him, you wouldn't think there is anything to worry about. Here's a picture of my sweet angel!